Lyrics
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The Naked Spaceman
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I dreamed of being an astronaut since I was just a boy
I made myself a rocket but it was only a toy
I studied rocket science and of course astronomy
Spending hours in my bath to train for zero-gravity
Unable to get funding had to save up, it was hard
But I got a proper rocket maxing out my Barclaycard
I couldn't afford the space suit, the helmet or moon boots
So I climbed into my spaceship wearing just my birthday suit
I'm the naked spaceman heading out into the void
I set my course via Saturn for a little asteroid
I'm setting up a colony with a friendly alien race
'Cos ET didn't wear clothes you know they're all naked out in space
I cannot understand that Neil Armstrong on his moon
Dressed up like the Michelin Man, oh, what a great buffoon
Imagine all the washing when he got back down to earth
Yet dressed like me the moondust would just wash off in the bath
I searched for information on my favourite cosmonaut
It was Yuri Gagarin, the hero, that I sought
The film I found surprised me as Gagarin dis-robed
And in fuzzy black and white it showed how tiny was his probe
Chorus
I wrote a note to NASA, in Houston, USA,
Did they want a photograph; perhaps the full display?
They sent me a plane ticket, they wanted me there fast
But I'd have wear some clothes or else I'd be in second class
They named my spaceship ‘Emperor’ but not the Roman sort
More the one from fairy tale, whose clothes could not be bought
They connected up my life support, from my head down to my toes
You should've seen my grin when they attached the vacuum hose?
Ooh!
I'm the naked spaceman heading out into the void
In a sling shot round Uranus for a little asteroid
I'm setting up a colony with a friendly alien race
'Cos ET didn't wear clothes you know they're all naked out in space
Once I'd left the stratosphere the whole world I could see
But was desperate for a space walk so that I could have a pee
Perhaps I was too cocky, should've heeded Ground Control
But the sudden lack of pressure made my favourite part explode
I'm the naked spaceman floating out into the void
Being naked in a vacuum's something you should all avoid
So now I'm with the angels up in heaven filled with grace
'Cos angels don't wear clothes you know, we're all naked here in space
My Monster
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My name is Doctor Frankenstein A scientist with a bold design
I'm working on a project that could change the human race
I've collected lots of body parts From toes to brain to spleen and heart
And stitched them all together like anatomy cut and paste
But staring at this being I'm getting an odd feeling
I'm supposed to be dispassionate but what a lovely face
I think I'm in love with my monster Is that such a terrible sin?
I put my very soul and my heart into him Well, it was somebody's my heart I put in
I think I'm in love with my monster Though yesterday he was a pile of meat
Today he is alive and is my hone-eypie 'Cos the brute looks so kind and so sweet
I wish I'd spent a bit more time In finding parts that were in their prime
Instead of robbing graveyards in the middle of the night
I should not have assembled him In my basement lab that is so dim
'Cos now he's all lop-sided with his left foot on his right
So what if he is ugly, I think that he is lovely
But each morning open up my eyes and get a terrible fright
Chorus
In no time I was on my knees to ask him if he'd marry me please
And finding him a dress was hard you could not call him petite
The wedding guests must have been surprised, 'cos when they finally saw the bride
They all jumped up as one and ran out screaming down the street
And I know it is unnatural, impossible, even laughable
But soon we will be hearing the patter of tiny feet
I know I'm in love with my monster Is that such a terrible sin?
I put my very soul and my heart into him Well, it was somebody's heart I put in
I know I'm in love with my monster At last I feel complete
He may be immense but I cherish him 'Cos the brute is so kind and so sweet
Under a Tree
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How many wars have been fought?
And how many lies have been taught?
And how many men, have gone on to kill again
On the basis of such mistaken thoughts?
Instead if we just sit under a tree
We can find a way to love and not to sin
Perhaps I'll see from under a tree
A way out of the mess that we are in
Why is everyone so insincere?
Why so little joy so many tears?
Why do we agree to live in misery?
And why are all our minds so full of fear?
If quietly we sit under a tree...
Where is the land where peace can start?
Where is the beauty in our art?
Where can we find the best of humankind
Who will show us to the love that's in our hearts
If modestly we sit under a tree...
When will the meek obtain the earth?
When will we get our second birth?
When will the good, be rewarded as they should?
And when will we all get what we deserve?
If patiently we sit under a tree...
What's the point of climbing if we fall?
What's the point of playing if we lose the ball?
What can we do if our best laid plans fall through
And what can be the meaning of it all?
If peacefully we sit under a tree..
I’m sure I’ll see from under my tree
A way out of the mess that we are in
Wear the Air
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Walk in the wild let it all hang free
Easy movements lots of Vitamin D
There are those who think it's not respectable
Cool breeze tickling testicles
Feel the sun warming your bum
Just wear the air with the world connect
From toes on up barefoot to the neck
It ain't rude to be nude it's the natural way
Go on dare to be bare just wear the air
Feel cold water tingle your skin
Stimulate a million nerve endings
Kick your legs no elastic restrains ya'
Water flowing over genitalia
Sensual pleasure, exhilarating adventure
Chorus
Go to the woods talk to stones and plants
What are they wearing neither vests nor pants
If you want to commune with the beings of nature
Show some respect and get your clothes off ya'
Go on be like a tree let it all dangle free
Chorus
It ain't rude to be nude it's the natural way
Go on dare to be bare just wear the air
The Ghost Who's Afraid of the Dark
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Coming from a grave on a foggy, moonless night
A new spook arises, gets a terrible fright
The world he now inhabits is black as it can be
He cannot see a thing and gives out a little scream!
He turns around 'cause he thought he heard a noise
Turns out it's the laughter from some boisterous boys
Then something to his left gives an unexpected bump
And although he's incorporeal it makes him jump
He's the ghost who's afraid of the dark
Whether up in the attic or out in the park
Until it lightens, he is so frightened
He shakes and he moans and his face turns quite white
He's the ghost who's afraid of the dark
The other ghosts know of him they can be so cruel
They'll hide behind a gravestone jump out shouting 'Boo!'
So he finds himself a sanctuary in a derelict house
No-one knows he's there but he's scared of every mouse
Chorus
A sold sign goes up and the boards are removed
A family moves in and destroys his solitude
He tries to scare them but the kids only laugh
He's tired of being spooky and decides he's had enough
Sitting on the sofa in front of the TV
No-one seems to mind him he's part of the family
A ghostly wave, the channel's changed 'cause he likes Scooby Doo
And when it comes to bedtime he goes upstairs too
He's the ghost who's afraid of the dark
He sleeps in the attic where he now feels calm
He's got a night light, keeps him safe from the night frights
He sleeps in a bed under sheets warm and white
He's the ghost who's afraid of the dark
He's the ghost who's afraid of the dark
He's the ghost who's afraid of the dark
Underpants
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Ev'ry morning when I wake
I jump out of my bed, quite bare
A decision I must make
What kind of underpants to wear?
Underpants, underpants, underpants
I love my underwear
Underpants, underpants, underpants
I've got a hundred pairs
I could try pants my dad has worn
And what his father also had
And simply put my Y-fronts on
I mean my own ones, not my dad's
Yet this design, how was it found?
Where if you want to have a piss
Your dick goes up and through and down
That's why our aim is hit and miss
Underpants, underpants, underpants
I dress so debonair
Just white tie, tails and underpants
I feel like Fred Astaire
Soft trunks are the rage right now
Support that covers comfortably
But with no flies or buttons how
Are we supposed to have a pee?
And how I envy Scottish men
(Who don't wear jockstraps actually)
They wrap around a kilt and then
Allow it all to dangle free
Underpants, underpants, underpants
In England they declare
We have to wear our underpants
It really is not fair
In the winter save your nuts
And willy from the freezing wind
Long Johns will be adequate
To stop your bits from shrivelling
At times I've even tried a thong
It leaves my cheeks quite free, but lor!
I think the makers got it wrong
My bum crack should not be so sore
Underpants, underpants, underpants
Sometimes for a dare
I go out in just my underpants
It makes my mum go spare
So what if people stare
I really do not care
I’m going out in underpants
So there!
The Whole of My Heart
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I gave you the whole of my heart
You took it and tore it apa-a-a-art
I gave you the whole of my soul
You froze it you were so co-o-o-old
Love has broken me Love has taken my reason
Love has shattered me, left my psyche in pieces
I loved too much, I put it all on the line
I loved too much, now I'm out of my mind
I gave you the key to my door
In thanks you knocked me to the floor
I gave you a place in my bed
You left me to wish I were dead
chorus
Love is some kind of madness
You lose all sense of perspective
Madness is some kind of love
To believe what you cannot prove
I gave you ev'rything that I had
I thought you were good, you were bad
I gave you my night and my day
You ….. I cannot say
Love has broken me Love has taken my reason
Love has shattered me, left my psyche in pieces
I loved too much, I put it all on the line
I loved too much – I loved too much – I loved too much
Now I'm out of my mind
Water from the Sky
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I got holes in my rain coat, my umbrella is inside out
I got rain pouring on me like from out a teapot spout
My shoes are full of water and I squelch as I go by
I'm tired of all this water from the sky.
I got drips all around me and one's going down my neck
I can feel its coldness as it's running down my back
My shirt is soaking wet and my pants are far from dry
I'm tired of all this water from the sky
Oh my hair is standing upright as the lightning flashes round
And the thunder crashes make me jump right off the ground
I have to wear this helmet 'cause the hail's like meteorites
Oh please somebody help me outta my plight
I'm tired, I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to find some place that's dry
I'm tired, Yes I'm tired, I'm cold and soaking wet I wanna cry
I am sick o' sitting here it feels like it's been hours
I was walking by the river in what I thought was a shower
The river burst its banks I had to climb into this tree
I'm tired of all this water falling on me
The river is still rising, it's now up to my chin
At least with all this water my pants will be quite clean
So I won't be embarrassed when they find me when I'm dead
'Cos now the water's finally over my head
I had holes in my rain coat my umbrella was inside out
I had rain pouring on me like from out a teapot spout
My shoes were full of water and I squelched as I went by [sigh]
I died of all this water from the sky
The Cuckoo Clock Song
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Hans sits alone in his little Swiss cottage his face looks decidedly glum
He sighs as he thinks of his lovely wife Helga as the cuckoo clock strikes one... Cuckoo
He goes to the window and opens it wide you can hear him throu-ough the trees
Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee. Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee
Hans makes clocks in the ancient Swiss fashion, each one chimes loudly cuckoo
He sits at his bench, he's making a new one when the cuckoo clock strikes two. Cuckoo, cuckoo
His mind is distracted, he's done something wrong, it sings out at a quarter to three
Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee. Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee
Hans likes to ski, though he's not very good, he goes darting through the trees
But on this one day he's heading for disaster as the cuckoo clock strikes three. Cuckoo, cuckoo etc
There's a pine tree in front, you can hear Hans cry out as it goes between his knees
Yodeloo yodel-odel- [shriek] ee. Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee
Poor Hans is broken, he weeps and he moans, when there's a knock upon the door [knock, knock]
In steps a woman, his lovely wife Helga, as the cuckoo clock strikes … twelve. Cuckoo, cuckoo etc.
But somehow she's different, she has a lawyer in tow, now Hans is a divorcee
Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee. Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee
Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee. Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee
Rocket Ship
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I'm riding in a rocket ship Flying round Mars
Whenever we meet lip to lip I see stars
I'm floating on a fluffy cloud I feel so light
I want to sing my joy out loud The future's bright
When love comes grab her by both hands
You'll find you're living in a magical land
And when you wake up in the morn
Your fav'rite girl in bed with you you feel reborn
I'm riding in a rocket ship... [etc.]
I'm dancing on a mountain top Way up high
For you I do this crazy bop I touch the sky.
When love comes grab her by both hands
You'll find you're living in a magical land
You think about her all the time
A smile upon your face because you'll see her tonight
I'm riding in a rocket ship... [etc.]
I'm driving in a racing car It really moves
I'm living up in Shangri-la And Xanadu
I'm licking out the honey jar 'Cause I love you
I'm smoking on a big cigar, Eating the best caviare, Living like a Russian tsar
Playing my guitar Like a superstar
'Cause you love me too
'Cause you love me too
'Cause you love me too-oo-oo-oo
The Cricket's Song
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Paradise is a woodland with birds and animals too
Living life in harmony so simple and so true
And I a second Adam free and happy in the warm
And all my friends the creatures somehow know I mean no harm
And somewhere in the forest the sun shines in a glade
Upon a rock so warm and smooth for Adam it was made
He sits upon this rude throne his face beaming with a grin
Then he sees a lowly cricket on the rock right next to him
Oh sing for me little cricket
Sitting in the sun
Thrum your little song for me
Let us have some fun
This charming little cricket first warms up in the sun
Then opens up his wing case to reveal his abdomen
He then lifts up his back leg, stretches it into the air
Tuning up his instrument the cricket thus prepares
Then putting down his leg again he stands there on the stone
Adam sits with baited breath just waiting for a tone
But the teasing little cricket utters neither chirp nor cheap
He just settles on the stone again, I think he's gone to sleep
Chorus
And if that little cricket had deigned to sing his tune
What mysteries would he have told upon that afternoon
For now we're not in Paradise on this barren earth we crawl
But I'm sure that lowly cricket knew the answer to it all
Oh Sing for me little cricket
Sitting in the Sun
And not just me little cricket
Sing for ev'ryone
Sing for me little cricket
Sitting in the sun
Thrum your little song for me
Let us have some fun
Joyous Nudity
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[chorus]
I like to be naked and I like to see
Others naked round me
Let's all be bare, it's better to share
In joyous nudity
A glimpse of a nipple, like raspberry ripple
Is something rather sweet
Whether on boobs, on pecs or on moobs
It is a tasty treat
Chorus
If you've a bum, and we all have one
Don't hide it 'neath a bush
Get up from your chair, let it out in the air
Come shake your little tush
Chorus
I like to see chests, I like to see breasts
Unfettered and free from their bras
I like the sight of the moon at night
Or someone's mooning arse
Chorus
Sinking Santa
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They say in the North, where the world is all cold
And snow perpetually falls
There's a magical man making wonderful toys
He gives to the boys and the girls
O-o-o-oh! What will he do? Where will he go?
How will his poor elves survive
How will Santa give the children their gifts
When the North Pole is no longer ice?
They say in the North that the ozone has gone
And X-rays are reaching the ground
And so his red nose doesn't burn to a crisp
Santa's suncream is on all year round
Now reindeer can swim, but not for too long
And a sleigh's not constructed to float
Saint Nick in his furs with a sack full of toys
Will go down like that Titanic boat
Chorus
The permafrost melts, and the glaciers shrink
Poor Santa is learning to swim
He's getting quite fit with a six-pack to boot
But who wants a Santa who's slim
The world's warming up, that's a matter of fact
So don't bury your head underground
The time it has come when we really must act
Or Santa Claus surely will drown
Chorus
I Can't Get Out of Bed
----------------------
I can't get out of bed, till I know what I will wear
Why is making decisions so difficult, I'm almost tearing out my hair
If I get out of bed what pants shall I put on?
The grey ones I wore all day yesterday to wear them again would be wrong
I can't get out of bed.
There's cottonwool in my head
My energy has fled
I'm staying in bed
I can't get out of bed
My body feels like lead
I wish that I were dead
And I cannot get out of bed
I think a wild horse would have a real fight
If he tried to drag me out of this bed today because I am tucked in so tight
I don't know why I care what time it is I rise
Being healthy and wealthy is not much cop and I don't even want to be wise
Chorus
Last night I got in bed when it was nearly eight
But outside it was already dark by then, these evenings in winter are great
And when at last I'm dead I think that I'll be glad
I'll be in a bed for the rest of time and so I'll no longer be sad
Chorus
I can't get out of bed. I can't get out of bed Uhh
Haven't a Clue
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Jason set out for the golden fleece
He sailed away on the tide
The fleece had been sheared from a golden sheep
The sheep caught a cold then and died
Gold is the colour of daffodils
Rust is the colour of red
Jason returned with his golden fleece
I hope he feels warmer in bed
Does anyone know what I'm singing about
Cause I really don't have any clue
They sounded so clever these words what I wrote
But the meaning I leave up to you
Henry the Eighth had a trouble and strife
Who couldn't produce him a son
He dumped the old bat and he got a new wife
Who was sexy and young and more fun
Don't count your chickens until they are hatched
It is safer to not really care
How many times must a king have a shag
Before he can get him an heir
Chorus
Too many cooks will spoil any broth
Too much salt spoils any stew
Too many vegetables in your wok
You'll never get out of the soup
They say many hands will make light work
Change a light bulb you'll need only one
Unless you're an abbess or charming monk
'Cause then it can be changed by nun
Chorus
There once was a fellow called Julius
And Caesar was his other name
But he was no good with the gentler sex
'Cos before he had conquered he came
His friends didn't like his attitude
They wanted to give him the sack
He tried to keep close to his enemies
So close, he got stabbed in the back
Chorus
The True Buccaneer
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When I was a young boy I loved the wide sea
I knew from that time that a pirate I'd be
I read all the stories of Morgan and Kidd
The way that they lived and the things that they did
I wanted a name, Captain Blackheart I wished
But all of my shipmates they just call me Tich.
I'm a pirate, a pirate, a true buccaneer.
A pirate, a pirate, a true buccaneer.
A pirate's no pirate if stuck on the land
He needs his own ship and a shipful of hands
So I went in search of a suitable craft
Money no object on my credit card
I purchased a tub, and it was not too large
'Cause living in land I got a canal barge.
I'm a pirate, a pirate, a true buccaneer
A pirate, a pirate, a true buccaneer
Being a captain I needed a crew
To do all the things I'm too noble to do
I put a small ad. on the newsagent's door
It cost fifty pee but the answers were poor
A small boy called Jim and an old hag called Meg
Jim had one hand and old Meg just one leg.
I'm a pirate, a pirate, a true buccaneer
A pirate, a pirate, a true buccaneer
We were well prepared for our maiden foray
We had food and drink for a year and a day
We each had a cutlass to brandish about
The scariest pirates of that we'd no doubt
But when the time came to be sailing away
I had to stay in my mum won't let me play
I'm a pirate, a pirate, a true buccaneer
A pirate, a pirate, a true buccaneer
My mum won't let me be a true buccaneer
Well, maybe next year
Maybe next year
Glad I Am Mad
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I may be strange but I really don't care
The way I dress the way I cut my hair
Maybe I'm dancing in my underwear Don't be scared
It may seem hard but no need to be sad
I do my best so that life isn't bad
And I'm going to shout 'I'm glad, I am mad'
I'm going to shout 'I'm glad, I am mad'
Maybe you think that I'm a silly sod
I maybe barefoot or maybe I'm shod
Maybe I'm talking to a spirit or god. I am odd
chorus
The doctors they give me this medicine
But I like to be me like to be genuine
So whether I frown or whether I grin. It's a win
chorus
I may be calm or I may be irate
Talking to myself in an internal debate
Chatting in my head with Alexander the Great. He's my mate
chorus
I'm going to shout 'I'm glad, I am mad'
I'm going to shout 'I'm glad, I am mad'
Meow (The Cat's Song)
---------------------
I am a cat, a tiger as your friend
Give me some love then I'll drive you round the bend
Playin' with my food it is only a mouse
I'm sure that you would like it in the house
Livin' is so easy and I'll tell you how
Have anything I want to, I can have it now
Just go up to a human and ever so politely meow (meow, meow)
Who needs a bath when a tongue will do just fine
Then to my face I'll give that another shine
Give me a hug you'll be covered in fur
Scratch behind my ear and I will purr
Lyin' in the sun to have a little nap
I need more warmth, can I lie upon your lap?
Please do not move that would be so wearisome
Perhaps you'd like to watch me lick my bum
Chorus
A ball made of wool, I'm not a kitten I'm a cat
I'm not a fool I'm not chasing after that
It's just not for me I am far too old you know
Well, maybe I will have a little go
Only the best is good enough for me
Rabbit's not food I insist on having beef
You bought me a bed I don't care how much it cost
'Cos I would rather sleep inside its box
Chorus
It's time to go out 'cos I want to explore
Can you get out of your chair come and open up the door?
Oh, it's raining outside I'm not going out in that
Can I return to sitting on your lap?
You have a job it's to give me what I want
If I should meow it’s essential you respond
We have a bond, have you figured it out yet?
Yes, I'm the master here and you're the pet
Chorus
Claudius: Meow! Meow!
Augustus: What’s that puss? You’re hungry again?
Claudius: Meow.
Augustus: Alright, I’m coming
