Caterwauling

Augustus Stephens

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Claudius, the tom cat, is at it again: on that fence and waking the neighbourhood by singing his heart out. What's he got lined up for us tonight?

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  1. 1 The Naked Spaceman 05:25 Info
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  2. 2 My Monster 02:58 Info
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  3. 3 Under a Tree 03:25 Info
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  4. 4 Wear the Air 02:07 Info
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  5. 5 The Ghost Who's Afraid of the Dark 02:16 Info
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  6. 6 Underpants 02:16 Info
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  7. 7 The Whole of My Heart 03:18 Info
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  8. 8 Water from the Sky 03:00 Info
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  9. 9 The Cuckoo Clock Song (Live) 02:59 Info
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  10. 10 Rocket Ship 00:13 Info
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  11. 11 The Cricket's Song 02:59 Info
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  12. 12 Joyous Nudity 01:53 Info
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  13. 13 Sinking Santa 02:40 Info
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  14. 14 I Can't Get Out of Bed 03:06 Info
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  15. 15 Haven't a Clue 02:01 Info
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  16. 16 The True Buccaneer 03:54 Info
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  17. 17 Glad I Am Mad 02:20 Info
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  18. 18 Meow (The Cat's Song) 04:18 Info
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Lyrics

---------

The Naked Spaceman
------------------
I dreamed of being an astronaut since I was just a boy
I made myself a rocket but it was only a toy
I studied rocket science and of course astronomy
Spending hours in my bath to train for zero-gravity

Unable to get funding had to save up, it was hard
But I got a proper rocket maxing out my Barclaycard
I couldn't afford the space suit, the helmet or moon boots
So I climbed into my spaceship wearing just my birthday suit

  I'm the naked spaceman heading out into the void
  I set my course via Saturn for a little asteroid
  I'm setting up a colony with a friendly alien race
  'Cos ET didn't wear clothes you know they're all naked out in space

I cannot understand that Neil Armstrong on his moon
Dressed up like the Michelin Man, oh, what a great buffoon
Imagine all the washing when he got back down to earth
Yet dressed like me the moondust would just wash off in the bath

I searched for information on my favourite cosmonaut
It was Yuri Gagarin, the hero, that I sought
The film I found surprised me as Gagarin dis-robed
And in fuzzy black and white it showed how tiny was his probe

  Chorus

I wrote a note to NASA, in Houston, USA,
Did they want a photograph; perhaps the full display?
They sent me a plane ticket, they wanted me there fast
But I'd have wear some clothes or else I'd be in second class

They named my spaceship ‘Emperor’ but not the Roman sort
More the one from fairy tale, whose clothes could not be bought
They connected up my life support, from my head down to my toes
You should've seen my grin when they attached the vacuum hose?
       Ooh!

  I'm the naked spaceman heading out into the void
  In a sling shot round Uranus for a little asteroid
  I'm setting up a colony with a friendly alien race
  'Cos ET didn't wear clothes you know they're all naked out in space

Once I'd left the stratosphere the whole world I could see
But was desperate for a space walk so that I could have a pee
Perhaps I was too cocky, should've heeded Ground Control
But the sudden lack of pressure made my favourite part explode

  I'm the naked spaceman floating out into the void
  Being naked in a vacuum's something you should all avoid
  So now I'm with the angels up in heaven filled with grace
  'Cos angels don't wear clothes you know, we're all naked here in space


My Monster
----------
My name is Doctor Frankenstein   A scientist with a bold design
I'm working on a project that could change the human race
I've collected lots of body parts   From toes to brain to spleen and heart
And stitched them all together like anatomy cut and paste
But staring at this being  I'm getting an odd feeling
I'm supposed to be dispassionate but what a lovely face

  I think I'm in love with my monster Is that such a terrible sin?
  I put my very soul and my heart into him Well, it was somebody's my heart I put in
  I think I'm in love with my monster Though yesterday he was a pile of meat
  Today he is alive and is my hone-eypie 'Cos the brute looks so kind and so sweet

I wish I'd spent a bit more time In finding parts that were in their prime
Instead of robbing graveyards in the middle of the night
I should not have assembled him  In my basement lab that is so dim
'Cos now he's all lop-sided with his left foot on his right
So what if he is ugly, I think that he is lovely
But each morning open up my eyes and get a terrible fright

  Chorus

In no time I was on my knees to ask him if he'd marry me please
And finding him a dress was hard you could not call him petite
The wedding guests must have been surprised, 'cos when they finally saw the bride
They all jumped up as one and ran out screaming down the street
And I know it is unnatural, impossible, even laughable
But soon we will be hearing the patter of tiny feet

  I know I'm in love with my monster Is that such a terrible sin?
  I put my very soul and my heart into him Well, it was somebody's heart I put in
  I know I'm in love with my monster At last I feel complete
  He may be immense but I cherish him 'Cos the brute is so kind and so sweet


Under a Tree
------------
How many wars have been fought?
And how many lies have been taught?
And how many men, have gone on to kill again
On the basis of such mistaken thoughts?

  Instead if we just sit under a tree
  We can find a way to love and not to sin
  Perhaps I'll see from under a tree
  A way out of the mess that we are in

Why is everyone so insincere?
Why so little joy so many tears?
Why do we agree to live in misery?
And why are all our minds so full of fear?

  If quietly we sit under a tree...

Where is the land where peace can start?
Where is the beauty in our art?
Where can we find the best of humankind
Who will show us to the love that's in our hearts

  If modestly we sit under a tree...

When will the meek obtain the earth?
When will we get our second birth?
When will the good, be rewarded as they should?
And when will we all get what we deserve?

  If patiently we sit under a tree...

What's the point of climbing if we fall?
What's the point of playing if we lose the ball?
What can we do if our best laid plans fall through
And what can be the meaning of it all?

  If peacefully we sit under a tree..

  I’m sure I’ll see from under my tree
  A way out of the mess that we are in


Wear the Air
------------
Walk in the wild let it all hang free
Easy movements lots of Vitamin D
There are those who think it's not respectable
Cool breeze tickling testicles
Feel the sun warming your bum

  Just wear the air with the world connect
  From toes on up barefoot to the neck
  It ain't rude to be nude it's the natural way
  Go on dare to be bare just wear the air

Feel cold water tingle your skin
Stimulate a million nerve endings
Kick your legs no elastic restrains ya'
Water flowing over genitalia
Sensual pleasure, exhilarating adventure

  Chorus

Go to the woods talk to stones and plants
What are they wearing neither vests nor pants
If you want to commune with the beings of nature
Show some respect and get your clothes off ya'
Go on be like a tree let it all dangle free

  Chorus
  It ain't rude to be nude it's the natural way
  Go on dare to be bare just wear the air


The Ghost Who's Afraid of the Dark
----------------------------------
Coming from a grave on a foggy, moonless night
A new spook arises, gets a terrible fright
The world he now inhabits is black as it can be
He cannot see a thing  and gives out a little scream!

He turns around 'cause he thought he heard a noise
Turns out it's the laughter from some boisterous boys
Then something to his left gives an unexpected  bump
And although he's incorporeal it makes him jump

  He's the ghost who's afraid of the dark
  Whether up in the attic or out in the park
  Until it lightens, he is so frightened
  He shakes and he moans and his face turns quite white
  He's the ghost who's afraid of the dark

The other ghosts know of him they can be so cruel
They'll hide behind a gravestone jump out shouting 'Boo!'
So he finds himself a sanctuary in a derelict house
No-one knows he's there  but he's scared of every mouse

  Chorus

A sold sign goes up and the boards are removed
A family moves in and destroys his solitude
He tries to scare them but the kids only laugh
He's tired of being spooky and decides he's had enough

Sitting on the sofa in front of the TV
No-one seems to mind him he's part of the family
A ghostly wave, the channel's changed 'cause he likes Scooby Doo
And when it comes to bedtime he goes upstairs too

  He's the ghost who's afraid of the dark
  He sleeps in the attic where he now feels calm
  He's got a night light, keeps him safe from the night frights
  He sleeps in a bed under sheets warm and white
  He's the ghost who's afraid of the dark
  He's the ghost who's afraid of the dark
  He's the ghost who's afraid of the dark


Underpants
----------
Ev'ry morning when I wake
I jump out of my bed, quite bare
A decision I must make
What kind of underpants to wear?

  Underpants, underpants, underpants
  I love my underwear
  Underpants, underpants, underpants
  I've got a hundred pairs

I could try pants my dad has worn
And what his father also had
And simply put my Y-fronts on
I mean my own ones, not my dad's

Yet this design, how was it found?
Where if you want to have a piss
Your dick goes up and through and down
That's why our aim is hit and miss

  Underpants, underpants, underpants
  I dress so debonair
  Just white tie, tails and underpants
  I feel like Fred Astaire

Soft trunks are the rage right now
Support that covers comfortably
But with no flies or buttons how
Are we supposed to have a pee?

And how I envy Scottish men
(Who don't wear jockstraps actually)
They wrap around a kilt and then
Allow it all to dangle free

  Underpants, underpants, underpants
  In England they declare
  We have to wear our underpants
  It really is not fair

In the winter save your nuts
And willy from the freezing wind
Long Johns will be adequate
To stop your bits from shrivelling

At times I've even tried a thong
It leaves my cheeks quite free, but lor!
I think the makers got it wrong
My bum crack should not be so sore

  Underpants, underpants, underpants
  Sometimes for a dare
  I go out in just my underpants
  It makes my mum go spare
  So what if people stare
  I really do not care
  I’m going out in underpants
  So there!


The Whole of My Heart
---------------------
I gave you the whole of my heart
You took it and tore it apa-a-a-art
I gave you the whole of my soul
You froze it you were so co-o-o-old

  Love has broken me Love has taken my reason
  Love has shattered me, left my psyche in pieces
  I loved too much, I put it all on the line
  I loved too much,         now I'm out of my mind

I gave you the key to my door
In thanks you knocked me to the floor
I gave you a place in my bed
You left me to wish I were dead

  chorus

    Love is some kind of madness
    You lose all sense of perspective
    Madness is some kind of love
    To believe what you cannot prove

I gave you ev'rything that I had
I thought you were good, you were bad
I gave you my night and my day
You ….. I cannot say

  Love has broken me Love has taken my reason
  Love has shattered me, left my psyche in pieces
  I loved too much, I put it all on the line
  I loved too much – I loved too much – I loved too much
  Now I'm out of my mind


Water from the Sky
------------------
I got holes in my rain coat, my umbrella is inside out
I got rain pouring on me like from out a teapot spout
My shoes are full of water and I squelch as I go by
I'm tired of all this water from the sky.

I got drips all around me and one's going down my neck
I can feel its coldness as it's running down my back
My shirt is soaking wet and my pants are far from dry
I'm tired of all this water from the sky

Oh my hair is standing upright as the lightning flashes round
And the thunder crashes make me jump right off the ground
I have to wear this helmet 'cause the hail's like meteorites
Oh please somebody help me outta my plight

  I'm tired, I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to find some place that's dry
  I'm tired, Yes I'm tired, I'm cold and soaking wet I wanna cry

I am sick o' sitting here it feels like it's been hours
I was walking by the river in what I thought was a shower
The river burst its banks I had to climb into this tree
I'm tired of all this water falling on me

The river is still rising, it's now up to my chin
At least with all this water my pants will be quite clean
So I won't be embarrassed when they find me when I'm dead
'Cos now the water's finally over my head

I had holes in my rain coat my umbrella was inside out
I had rain pouring on me like from out a teapot spout
My shoes were full of water and I squelched as I went by [sigh]
I died of all this water from the sky


The Cuckoo Clock Song
---------------------
Hans sits alone in his little Swiss cottage his face looks decidedly glum
He sighs as he thinks of his lovely wife Helga as the cuckoo clock strikes one... Cuckoo
He goes to the window and opens it wide you can hear him throu-ough the trees
Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee. Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee

Hans makes clocks in the ancient Swiss fashion, each one chimes loudly cuckoo
He sits at his bench, he's making a new one when the cuckoo clock strikes two. Cuckoo, cuckoo
His mind is distracted, he's done something wrong, it sings out at a quarter to three
Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee. Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee

Hans likes to ski, though he's not very good, he goes darting through the trees
But on this one day he's heading for disaster as the cuckoo clock strikes three. Cuckoo, cuckoo etc
There's a pine tree in front, you can hear Hans cry out as it goes between his knees
Yodeloo yodel-odel- [shriek] ee. Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee

Poor Hans is broken, he weeps and he moans, when there's a knock upon the door [knock, knock]
In steps a woman, his lovely wife Helga, as the cuckoo clock strikes … twelve.  Cuckoo, cuckoo etc.
But somehow she's different, she has a lawyer in tow, now Hans is a divorcee
Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee. Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee
Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee. Yodeloo yodel-odel-ee


Rocket Ship
-----------
I'm riding in a rocket ship       Flying round Mars
Whenever we meet lip to lip        I see stars

I'm floating on a fluffy cloud       I feel so light
I want to sing my joy out loud        The future's bright

When love comes grab her by both hands
You'll find you're living in a magical land
And when you wake up in the morn
Your fav'rite girl in bed with you you feel reborn

I'm riding in a rocket ship...   [etc.]    

I'm dancing on a mountain top     Way up high
For you I do this crazy bop       I touch the sky.

When love comes grab her by both hands   
You'll find you're living in a magical land
You think about her all the time  
A smile upon your face because you'll see her tonight

I'm riding in a rocket ship...   [etc.]    

I'm driving in a racing car     It really moves
I'm living up in Shangri-la    And Xanadu
I'm licking out the honey jar    'Cause I love you
I'm smoking on a big cigar,   Eating the best caviare,   Living like a Russian tsar
Playing my guitar   Like a superstar
'Cause you love me too              
'Cause you love me too              
'Cause you love me           too-oo-oo-oo                


The Cricket's Song
------------------
Paradise is a woodland with birds and animals too
Living life in harmony so simple and so true
And I a second Adam free and happy in the warm
And all my friends the creatures somehow know I mean no harm

And somewhere in the forest the sun shines in a glade
Upon a rock so warm and smooth for Adam it was made
He sits upon this rude throne his face beaming with a grin
Then he sees a lowly cricket on the rock right next to him

  Oh sing for me little cricket
  Sitting in the sun
  Thrum your little song for me
  Let us have some fun

This charming little cricket first warms up in the sun
Then opens up his wing case to reveal his abdomen
He then lifts up his back leg, stretches it into the air
Tuning up his instrument the cricket thus prepares

Then putting down his leg again he stands there on the stone
Adam sits with baited breath just waiting for a tone
But the teasing little cricket utters neither chirp nor cheap
He just settles on the stone again, I think he's gone to sleep

  Chorus

And if that little cricket had deigned to sing his tune
What mysteries would he have told upon that afternoon
For now we're not in Paradise on this barren earth we crawl
But I'm sure that lowly cricket knew the answer to it all
  Oh Sing for me little cricket
  Sitting in the Sun
  And not just me little cricket
  Sing for ev'ryone
  Sing for me little cricket
  Sitting in the sun
  Thrum your little song for me
  Let us have some fun


Joyous Nudity
-------------
  [chorus]
  I like to be naked and I like to see
  Others naked round me
  Let's all be bare, it's better to share
  In joyous nudity

A glimpse of a nipple, like raspberry ripple
Is something rather sweet
Whether on boobs, on pecs or on moobs
It is a tasty treat

  Chorus

If you've a bum, and we all have one
Don't hide it 'neath a bush
Get up from your chair, let it out in the air
Come shake your little tush

  Chorus

I like to see chests, I like to see breasts
Unfettered and free from their bras
I like the sight of the moon at night
Or someone's mooning arse

  Chorus


Sinking Santa
-------------
They say in the North, where the world is all cold
And snow perpetually falls
There's a magical man making wonderful toys
He gives to the boys and the girls

  O-o-o-oh! What will he do? Where will he go?
  How will his poor elves survive
  How will Santa give the children their gifts
  When the North Pole is no longer ice?

They say in the North that the ozone has gone
And X-rays are reaching the ground
And so his red nose doesn't burn to a crisp
Santa's suncream is on all year round

Now reindeer can swim, but not for too long
And a sleigh's not constructed to float
Saint Nick in his furs with a sack full of toys
Will go down like that Titanic boat

  Chorus

The permafrost melts, and the glaciers shrink
Poor Santa is learning to swim
He's getting quite fit with a six-pack to boot
But who wants a Santa who's slim

The world's warming up, that's a matter of fact
So don't bury your head underground
The time it has come when we really must act
Or Santa Claus surely will drown

  Chorus


I Can't Get Out of Bed
----------------------
I can't get out of bed, till I know what I will wear
Why is making decisions so difficult, I'm almost tearing out my hair

If I get out of bed what pants shall I put on?
The grey ones I wore all day yesterday  to wear them again would be wrong

  I can't get out of bed.
  There's cottonwool in my head
  My energy has fled
  I'm staying in bed
  I can't get out of bed
  My body feels like lead
  I wish that I were dead
  And I cannot get out of bed

I think a wild horse would have a real fight
If he tried to drag me out of this bed today because I am tucked in so tight

I don't know why I care what time it is I rise
Being healthy and wealthy is not much cop and I don't even want to be wise

  Chorus

Last night I got in bed when it was nearly eight
But outside it was already dark by then, these evenings in winter are great

And when at last I'm dead I think that I'll be glad
I'll be in a bed for the rest of time and so I'll no longer be sad

  Chorus
  I can't get out of bed. I can't get out of bed   Uhh


Haven't a Clue
--------------
Jason set out for the golden fleece
He sailed away on the tide
The fleece had been sheared from a golden sheep
The sheep caught a cold then and died
Gold is the colour of daffodils
Rust is the colour of red
Jason returned with his golden fleece
I hope he feels warmer in bed

  Does anyone know what I'm singing about
  Cause I really don't have any clue
  They sounded so clever these words what I wrote
  But the meaning I leave up to you

Henry the Eighth had a trouble and strife
Who couldn't produce him a son
He dumped the old bat and he got a new wife
Who was sexy and young and more fun
Don't count your chickens until they are hatched
It is safer to not really care
How many times must a king have a shag
Before he can get him an heir

  Chorus

Too many cooks will spoil any broth
Too much salt spoils any stew
Too many vegetables in your wok
You'll never get out of the soup
They say many hands will make light work
Change a light bulb you'll need only one
Unless you're an abbess or charming monk
'Cause then it can be changed by nun

  Chorus

There once was a fellow called Julius
And Caesar was his other name
But he was no good with the gentler sex
'Cos before he had conquered he came
His friends didn't like his attitude
They wanted to give him the sack
He tried to keep close to his enemies
So close, he got stabbed in the back

  Chorus


The True Buccaneer
------------------
When I was a young boy I loved the wide sea
I knew from that time that a pirate I'd be
I read all the stories of Morgan and Kidd
The way that they lived and the things that they did
I wanted a name, Captain Blackheart I wished
But all of my shipmates they just call me Tich.

  I'm a pirate, a pirate, a true buccaneer.
  A pirate, a pirate, a true buccaneer.

A pirate's no pirate  if stuck on the land
He needs his own ship and a shipful of hands
So I went in search of a suitable craft
Money no object on my credit card
I purchased a tub, and it was not too large
'Cause living in land I got a canal barge.

  I'm a pirate, a pirate, a true buccaneer      
  A pirate, a pirate, a true buccaneer

Being a captain I needed a crew
To do all the things I'm too noble to do
I put a small ad. on the newsagent's door
It cost fifty pee but the answers were poor
A small boy called Jim and an old hag called Meg
Jim had one hand and old Meg just one leg.

  I'm a pirate, a pirate, a true buccaneer      
  A pirate, a pirate, a true buccaneer

We were well prepared for our maiden foray
We had food and drink for a year and a day
We each had a cutlass to brandish about
The scariest pirates of that we'd no doubt
But when the time came to be sailing away
I had to stay in my mum won't let me play

  I'm a pirate, a pirate, a true buccaneer        
  A pirate, a pirate, a true buccaneer
  My mum won't let me be a true buccaneer
  Well, maybe next year
  Maybe next year


Glad I Am Mad
-------------
I may be strange but I really don't care
The way I dress the way I cut my hair
Maybe I'm dancing in my underwear Don't be scared

  It may seem hard but no need to be sad
  I do my best so that life isn't bad
  And I'm going to shout 'I'm glad, I am mad'
  I'm going to shout 'I'm glad, I am mad'

Maybe you think that I'm a silly sod
I maybe barefoot or maybe I'm shod
Maybe I'm talking to a spirit or god. I am odd

  chorus

The doctors they give me this medicine
But I like to be me like to be genuine
So whether I frown or whether I grin. It's a win

  chorus

I may be calm or I may be irate
Talking to myself in an internal debate
Chatting in my head with Alexander the Great. He's my mate

  chorus
  I'm going to shout 'I'm glad, I am mad'
  I'm going to shout 'I'm glad, I am mad'


Meow (The Cat's Song)
---------------------
I am a cat, a tiger as your friend
Give me some love then I'll drive you round the bend
Playin' with my food it is only a mouse
I'm sure that you would like it in the house

  Livin' is so easy and I'll tell you how
  Have anything I want to, I can have it now
  Just go up to a human and ever so politely meow (meow,   meow)

Who needs a bath when a tongue will do just fine
Then to my face I'll give that another shine
Give me a hug you'll be covered in fur
Scratch behind my ear and I will purr

Lyin' in the sun to have a little nap
I need more warmth, can I lie upon your lap?
Please do not move that would be so wearisome
Perhaps you'd like to watch me lick my bum

    Chorus

A ball made of wool, I'm not a kitten I'm a cat
I'm not a fool I'm not chasing after that
It's just not for me I am far too old you know
Well, maybe I will have a little go

Only the best is good enough for me
Rabbit's not food I insist on having beef
You bought me a bed I don't care how much it cost
'Cos I would rather sleep inside its box

    Chorus

It's time to go out 'cos I want to explore
Can you get out of your chair come and open up the door?
Oh, it's raining outside I'm not going out in that
Can I return to sitting on your lap?

You have a job it's to give me what I want
If I should meow it’s essential you respond
We have a bond, have you figured it out yet?
Yes, I'm the master here and you're the pet

    Chorus

Claudius: Meow! Meow!
Augustus: What’s that puss? You’re hungry again?
Claudius: Meow.
Augustus: Alright, I’m coming